many moments forming one identity.

You ever feel like this? Like the picture a little distorted. Or is it just a me thing? I am going to presume that I am not alone in this feeling and if I am well now you are all aware of it.

Sometimes when I see myself in a reflection I think who the fuck are you? You kinda look like me yet some of it feels distorted for many reasons I presume.

First time I remember it happening was after I was assaulted at 19. Long story, poor choices? Life lessons? Who knows all the reasons, however it was the journey that came along with dating an unhealthy boy. I am not going to blame it all on the boy, I am sure I wasn't in the healthiest of places to be choosing such a boyfriend.

   Please understand I am not saying I am responsible for what he did, I am not... That shitty behaviour is all on him and him alone

After a broken jaw, nose and some other injuries that landed me in the hospital for a week or so, things shifted. I do not think I have ever looked at myself in the mirror and ever saw the same image of who I looked like prior to that beating. I see the different shape of my eye, I see the curve in my nose, the veins , the hollow of one side of my face from where the big break was. If I had any self esteem issues in my looks this was not a point in my life that made me feel any prettier. Your black and blue for a while and then they wired your mouth shut for 6 weeks, thank god for advancing medicine, Because the 3 more surgeries I had to have after the first one were not wired shut for as long and sooo much quicker in recover time.( physical appearance wise anyways not so much any other way) .

It didn't stop there, I had many other moments in life that I would look in the mirror or see my reflection and wonder who are you? What happened to that girl I use to see looking back at me. Not all of them physical like being shit kicked, some just as tragic and some the most exciting and happiest days of my life.

After having my children. I shifted more and found myself a bit more unrecognizable that I was prior. Kids are great, amazing really, they change things in ways you never knew was possible. They expand your heart and make you capable of love that you could not even dream of existing. Your different after you have children, not bad, not good, just different.

Divorce, that shifted me yet again. Thank goodness I had children that had expanded my ability to love because divorce, it closes you up a little. You behave in ways you didn't think were possible.... the anger, the hurt, the resentment and the disappointment. To take that person you loved so much, that you could not imagine your life without them, to court to prove they are a shitty human and you are the better person. Ya for sure that changed how I looked at myself. Was I the better parent at that time, yes I was. Does it mean I always would be, no. Should you punish and resent someone for there own life lessons and journey? no, but we do. Thankfully for whatever reason I never let go of the love.

The choices my children made effect me and the way I see myself. Some good, some not so much. You know you love these little beings you bring into the world and unconditionally your love for them just grows and grows and grows. Some children do not challenge your love and others push it to what some would say is a limit, only to find out there is no limit. The power and strength you find to push forward for your children is incredible and yes it changes you.

There are so many more moments I can think of that I don't recognize the woman I see, and wonder what version will I be tomorrow? Is the picture of me distorted because it is for ever changing? is it distorted because the image I started with was just that a starting point and never meant to stay. Or these fragments are the moments that build us into who and what we are to truly be. Maybe we never really recognize the person we see in the mirror till we cross the finish line and maybe even then not so much because it is yet another moment in life changing us. This is what this picture makes me think of. An image of me with many little pictures of me creating the outcome. Each and every snap shot of a moment in time that shifted me, changed me physically or emotionally. The ones that allowed my heart to expand even in heartache, the ones that allowed me to find forgiveness not only in those that hurt me, in myself. The moments when I didn't know that lady that was looking back at me in the mirror yet I loved how incredible fierce and strong she was. The power she held that I didn't know she was capable of. Sure some of the moments felt like shit and left one wondering really this is my life, what the fuck did I sign up for. Apparently this.. I signed up for this. And then some of the moments I am left with complete awh and appreciation where I think man the journey was pretty rough but look at the view it was so worth it. When I look in the mirror and see that lady, she might not look how I think she is to look and I might not recognize all the bits and yet I fucking love her.