Broken heart with attitude! F it Friday

I started this post differently today. I deleted, then started again, Stopped, and started a few times with a couple saved drafts. Drafts maybe for another day when my heart isn't demanding an unpolished version of where it is at.

We all have moments that twist our hearts in ways we didn't think possible. We have moments where we wonder if we will ever heal completely from situations. And at times we wonder will we ever been able to hear the beat of our hearts without the ache echoing inside.

I am in that moment right now.... again.... I am currently in the same place I have been before just on a different day, in two more days it will be exactly 13 years ago that I was here, in this very spot. Well not exactly the same spot but someplace vastly familiar. I might be slightly to the left or over to the right. Maybe I have staggered with a step backwards or possibly I have my hands on my hips as I have taken a step forward, while one foot lingers where it has been before.

I'd like to say that it doesn't hurt as much as it did the first time around and if I were to say that I would be lying. For whatever the reasons my heart feels heavier, like the weight of it is making it hard to hold its place in my chest. Maybe that is what they mean when they say that you feel like your heart drop, maybe its because it is so heavy and filled with grief that it is unable to stay in place. Possibly with the weight of the ache you are carrying forces your heart to swell, restricted in its flow because it has become so blocked with grief and sorrow that it expands so much it feels like it will explode, and that is why it feels so constricted and tight in your chest. I cant tell you if that it true or not, I can tell you it is how I feel today. I feel like the pain that I am carrying in my heart today is so indescribably large that I have no room in my chest for it to fit, the weight of it is so heavy that I do not know how to carry it.

So I do what I have always done, I put one foot in front of the other and keep doing so. I move forward. I go to work, I show up for people when needed and apparently when not, I tend to day to day life, and all the while feeling completely invisible in my own pain.

I do not know if this is normal, if it is a parent thing, a mom thing or just a Lorri thing. I do know that this thing whatever it is....is what has destroyed my health, it is what has killed my adrenals, created disease and much discomfort. So much so that I am sitting at my laptop exposing my heart, my pain and leaving myself completely vulnerable to be exposed to more. Guess that is where the F it, F you attitude is coming from.

I have sat in my pain for the last week, quietly moving through my days...have I been doing it well? I am not sure, I highly doubt it. It doesn't feel like it though I am told I look like I am doing well. Let me reassure you.. I am not.

In my heart ache I have nurtured to my daughters needs, soothed the pain of my sons soul, defused my husbands anger, complied with serious crime investigators that spent three hours at my home gathering there information, listen to others pain, and comforted those that needed it. In it all I have found myself alone. Now this is where it gets a bit strange because I am not alone. Someone is usually around, I get a text, I get swing by, I get flowers and for those I am grateful. Its the pain... its the pain I am alone in, not saying that others aren't feeling it, I know they are they share. I have not had the space because one doesn't want logic, one doesn't want explanations or justifications. I don't want to hear how you don't understand or you can't imagine...guess what neither do I.. I don't understand my pain, I don't know what the fuck I am suppose to do with this.. I can not imagine it ether and yet here I am for the second time around. I don't get it, its heavy, its hard and its unfucking believable that I am feeling this all over again but heavier. I don't know if the pain is more intense because the ripple effect is effecting more people and by more people I mean my grandchildren. I don't know if its because I haven't healed from the first go around or if it because of all the unfortunate events that have happened in between the course of the 13 years. Damian's brain surgeries, Suzi's aneurysms, Dads health, J's moms health, strained relationships with family members, the normal concerns of aging parents and heartache loving people.

Loving people isn't that what it is all about, did we have any idea that loving someone could be so incredible painful. We anticipate the end of loving someone to being painful, not loving them.

We all have things, for whatever reason, this life time my heart has had a heck of a beating. I am not saying mine is worse or less I am just saying I am at a place where I wonder how much more can it take? How much more space do I have in my chest cavity to store more pain? This is the part that I find interesting, because why do I feel I have to store it? Why can't I fall apart? Why can't I choose my well being instead of the stores well being? Why do I feel obligated to still try to be my best self in whatever shitty state my best self is right now? Why do I still show compassion and care for others while I feel so invisible in my own sorrow and pain? I gather that is another reason this has been heavier because it is not new? Its not new for me to be alone in my pain and grief. And this time I am curious on the whys? I have always been good in crisis, I step up, I do what is needed and I gather I do it well because somewhere in it I get overlooked. She looks good, she has it under control, she seems fine, she is here, she is smiling, she is strong and resilient, she's got this.

But... I do not got this, plan and simple...it fucking survival, that's it that's all.

I don't know what I need, I know what I want... I want my heart to stop hurting, I want this pain to subside, I want the story line to be different than what it is, I want my family to not be suffering, I want mental health and addiction no not be a crisis, I want my children to love themselves as much as I love them. There are many many things I want, but what do I need? Less judgement, more compassion, less selfishness, more care, security and safety to fall apart. I don't know, again maybe that is what the fuck you attitude is all about.. maybe the aggressive picture is where I am at. Maybe I just want to be angry, maybe I just want cry and not give a fuck on if you understand or don't. Maybe I don't want to pick up the pieces and be left standing there cleaning up the mess. Maybe what I need is for someone else to do it, maybe I need to be the mess someone cleans up, maybe I need to ugly face cry while you sit beside me is silence so I am not alone..

Somewhere along the way I learned that I was too much, too demanding, too loud, too whatever word you want to put in there... I learned that not expressing meant acceptance. Being compliant or not causing a scene equaled loved. What I learned recently is that is as far from the truth as you can get. What it did was create a world of stuffed unfelt pain, being guarded , the inability to trust someone with my emotions, fear of judgment and abandonment in times of need, that I was better to keep things to myself than to share the burden in fear of being too much. My beliefs as a child that allowed me to feel secure and safe, as an adult, in the midst of all this, realizes it creates a lonely world in heartbreak.

And maybe that is the point of it all... maybe strength was never meant to be measured by how much I could carry alone. Maybe I've spent some many years becoming the person everyone leans on that I forgot I was allowed to lean tool

I don't have the answers tonight.

I just know my heart is tired.

And for the first time in a very long time, I am choosing not to pretend it isn't.