The cost of love

I am not sure if this is the best title; however, it is what I came up with for now. I know love is great, love is grand, love is a blessing and love is one of the greatest feelings in the world..... and yet, with the deep love I have, the amount of pain I am carrying within me is unbearable.

Today, for the first time in three weeks, I had a meltdown.. I am not sure meltdown is the correct term. I completely lost any sense of self control I had.

I climbed into my bed and sobbed. Not light sobs. Not quiet sobs. Loud, hard- to- breath sobs. I rocked myself back and forth in a sense of trying to soothe myself with no luck, the pain was harsh and persistent. It wasn't going to let up. So I cried more and harder, which I didn't think was possible. I made noises I've never heard come out of me before. I've cried before, this was something totally different. It was as if the grief inside me had a sound of its own. One indicating that someone was suffering deeply.

Among my wails of grief I uttered these words "I just want my baby back". With that I cry harder, there was so much more attached to it. I am crying that I want my baby back and yet, I know that someone else is crying because they want their baby back as well and that isn't possible. I instantly felt bad. Here I was crying for the same thing, and the losses so completely different.

I cried for more than just my baby, I cried for them, I cried for us and I cried for all that could be, but never will be. I cried for where I was in this moment even with the shame attached to it. I cried because my grief had nowhere else to go but out. I had no more space inside me to handle one more thing. It didn't matter what the thing was, it could have been anything. It wasn't just anything though. The crack in my false foundation started with cancelled visits, the breaking point was the movement. Farther away and further out of my reach.

It's not the easiest thing to explain and one I hope that many of you never have to experience. I used the analogy today that it was like your at the river and your child is playing in the water. It gets kind of rough out and you see you're child struggling. You get up and start walking towards them to help. The current is too strong, yet you don't give up, you keep trudging towards them. Watching them with each step you take trying to get closer to help, if you could just get close enough to reach them while they reach for you. Each step you see them drift farther and farther away, struggling to stay above water. As you watch in horrific despair as they slowly lose that battle. You're left standing in the rough current helpless and empty.

That was me today, standing helpless. They literally moved him farther away from me. He was already so far out of my reach, I couldn't touch him, I couldn't hug him, and now I can't visit him. It was my little bit to hang on to, that little drive that keeps you going. That little bit of positivity, possibilities that allows you to believe it isn't complete shit. Somehow in this move everything came crashing down, the weeks of getting up and moving forward simply stopped. My heart broke more if possible, my body crumbled and my mind was done pretending. No matter how much I tried to logic it out, my mind was simply having no part of it. It stopped thinking about everyone involved, it stopped me from downplaying my loss, my hurt and my grief. It simply was unwilling to let me escape the cost of loving my son as deeply as I do. It was unwilling to let me skirt over that no matter how deeply you love, no matter how hard you love ...your love is unable to change the out come of what is. It doesn't change how you love, it just lets you know it has no controlled outcome.